Star Wars: A New Nacho
by raveastwandurt
Summary: We have the technology. We can make it newer, funnier, nachoier than before. Star Wars... Just add Kurt. rating for language. Stoopid english.
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing but nachos and the Leprechaun on me shoulder.

STAR WARS

A NEW HOPE (Mutant Style)

(Cause really, who else is gonna save the Universe?)

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away...

A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title.

War drums echo through the heavens as a roll up slowly crawls into infinity.

It is a period of civil war.

Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their

first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.

During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's

ultimate weapon, the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.

Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Wanda races home aboard her starship,

custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy...


	2. Chapter 2

Act one

The awesome yellow planet of Tatooine emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Rebel Blockade-Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. A giant Imperial Star destroyer purses it. Hundreds of deadly laser bolts streaks from the Imperial Star destroyer, causing the main solar fin of the Rebel craft to disintegrate.

An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Professor-Detoo and See-Logan struggle…

"Now wait just a minute! Why am I C-3PO!?" demands Logan.

Three reasons. 1: It's hilarious. 2: You can't do anything about it. 3: Your part metal.

"And why am I R2-D2?" queries Professor Xavier.

Because you're small, have wheels and a shiny head.

"I hate you" they both mutter.

That's nice. Now then…

Professor-Detoo and See-Logan struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are old and battered. Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way.

"Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness!" shouts Logan.

Rebel troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. They aim their weapons toward the door.

"We're doomed!" Logan exclaims.

Professor-Detoo makes a series of electronic sounds that See-Logan can apparently understand.

"There'll be no escape for the Princess this time." Logan mutters.

Professor-Detoo continues making beeping sounds. Tension mounts as loud metallic latches clank and the scream of heavy equipment are heard moving around the outside hull of the ship.

"What's that?" asks Logan.

The Imperial craft has easily overtaken the Rebel Blockade-Runner. The smaller Rebel ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant Imperial starship.

The nervous Rebel troopers aim their weapons. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored spacesuits storm troopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor. In a few minutes the entire passageway is ablaze with laser fire. The deadly bolts ricochet in wild random patterns creating huge explosions. Storm troopers scatter and duck behind storage lockers. Laser bolts hit several Rebel soldiers who scream and stagger through the smoke, holding shattered arms and faces. An explosion hits near the robots.

"I should have known better than to trust the logic of a half-sized thermocapsulary dehousing assister..." says Logan, then blinks rapidly. "What the devil did I just say?"

You want the truth or a pleasant lie?

Professor-Detoo counters with an angry rebuttal as the battle rages around the two hapless robots.

A death-white wasteland stretches from horizon to horizon. The tremendous heat of two huge twin suns settle on a lone figure, Pietro Skywalker, a farm boy with heroic aspirations who looks much younger than his eighteen years. His shaggy hair and baggy tunic give him the air of a simple but lovable with a prize-winning smile, that is thrown off by his sickly green skin, and the long tongue hanging out of his mouth. A light wind whips at him as he adjusts several valves on a large battered moisture vaporator which sticks out of the desert floor much like an oil pipe with valves. He is aided by a beat-up tread-robot with six claw arms. The little robot appears to be barely functioning and moves with jerky motions. A bright sparkle in the morning sky catches Pietro's eye and he instinctively grabs a pair of electrobinoculars from his utility belt. He stands transfixed for a few moments studying the heavens, then dashed toward his dented, crudely repaired Landspeeder (custom made by Forge). He motions for the tiny robot to follow him.

"Cool! I'm the hero! Who's your daddy now Fuzz-Butt!?" Pietro says. "Hurry up! Come with me! What are you waiting for?! Get it in gear!"

The robot scoots around in a tight circle, stops short, and smoke begins to pour out of every joint. Pietro throws his arms up in disgust. Exasperated the young farm boy jumps into his Landspeeder leaving the smoldering robot to hum madly.

The awesome, seven-foot-tall Dark Lord of the Sith makes his way into the blinding light of the main passageway. He is Darkness personified, evil incarnate, he is…

"Flattered, but Ah'm a girl, stupid." Says Rogue.

Right, sorry. Carry on.

This is Darth Rogue, right hand of the Emperor. Her face is completely covered by metal framed by dark flowing robes, which stand out next to the white armored suits of the Imperial storm troopers. Everyone instinctively backs away from the imposing warrior and a deathly quiet sweeps through the Rebel troops. Several of the Rebel troops break and run in a frenzied panic.

A woman hands a card to Professor-Detoo. Professor-Detoo makes beeping sounds. See-Logan stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Professor-Detoo is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Rebel soldiers can be heard in the distance.

Logan "Professor-Detoo! Professor-Detoo, where are you?"

A familiar clanking sound attacks See-Logan's attention and he spots Professor-Detoo at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A beautiful young girl stands in front of Professor-Detoo. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half-hidden in the smoke, she finishes adjusting something on the Professor 's chair, then watches as the little robot joins his companion.

Logan "At last! Where have you been?"

Storm troopers can be heard battling in the distance.

Logan "They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll be sent to the spice mine of Kessel or smashed into who knows what!"

Professor-Detoo scoots past his bronze friend and races down the sub hallway. See-Logan chases after him.

Logan "Wait a minute, where are you going?"

Professor-Detoo responds with 'electronic' beeps.

The evil Darth Rogue stands amid the broken and twisted bodies of his foes. She grabs a wounded Lance by the neck as a Duncan rushes up to the Dark Lord.

"The Death Star plans are not in the main computer." Duncan reports.

Rogue squeezes Lance's neck, as he struggles in vain.

"Now _this_ Ah like," says Rogue. "Where are those transmissions you intercepted?"

Rogue lifts Lance off his feet by his throat.

"What have you done with those plans?" She demands.

Lance "We intercepted no transmissions. Aaah... This is a consular ship. Were on a diplomatic mission."

"If this is a consular ship...where is the Ambassador?" asks Rogue

Lance refuses to speak but eventually cries out as the Dark Lord begins to squeeze the officer's throat, creating a gruesome snapping and choking, until the soldier goes limp. Rogue tosses the dead soldier against the wall and turns to her troops.

"Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the Ambassador. I want her alive!"

The storm troopers scurry into the sub-hallways.

The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the storm troopers search through the ship. She is Princess Wanda Organa, a member of the Alderaan Senate. The fear in her eyes slowly gives way to anger as the muted crushing sounds of the approaching storm troopers grow louder. One of the troopers spots her.

Duncan "There she is! Set for stun!"

Wanda steps from her hiding place and blasts a trooper with her laser pistol. She starts to run but is felled by a paralyzing ray. The troopers inspect her inert body.

"Set for stun my ass, that hurt." Wanda mutters from the floor.

Professor-Detoo stops before the small hatch of an emergency life-pod. He snaps the seal on the main latch and a red warning light begins to flash. The stubby astro-robot works his way into the cramped four-man pod.

Logan "Hey, you're not permitted in there. It's restricted. You'll be deactivated for sure.."

Professor-Detoo beeps something to him.

Logan "Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease! Now come out before somebody sees you."

Professor-Detoo whistles something at his reluctant friend regarding the mission he is about to perform.

Logan "Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking aboot? I'm not getting in there what this is all aboot!"

Professor-Detoo isn't happy with Logan's stubbornness, and he beeps and twangs angrily. A new explosion, this time very close, sends dust and debris through the narrow sub hallway. Flames lick at See-Logan and, after a flurry of electronic swearing from Professor-Detoo, the lanky Canadian robot jumps into the life-pod.

"Then again…" Logan mutters. "I'm going to regret this aren't I?"

Maaaaaybe

On the main view-screen, the life-pod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft.

"There goes another one." Duncan states.

"Hold your fire. There are no life forms. It must have been short-circuited." Paul replies.

"But what if it hits one of the soldiers on the planet? Or, what if there droids in there with the information Lord Rogue is after?" Duncan asks.

"What are the odds of that happening?" Paul responds.

Professor-Detoo and See-Logan look out at the receding Imperial starship. Stars circle as the pod rotates through the galaxy.

"That's funny, the damage doesn't look as bad from out here." Says Logan.

Professor-Detoo beeps an assuring response.

"Are you sure this things safe?" Logan inquires.

Rebel lifeboats, 100% water proof. Forge guarantees it.


	3. Chapter 3

Act 2

Heat waves radiate from the dozen or so bleached white buildings. Pietro pilots his Landspeeder through the dusty empty street of the tiny settlement. An old woman runs to get out of the way of the speeding vehicle, shaking her fist at Pietro as he flies past.

"Damn kids! I've told you to slow down!" Ororo yells as she hurls a lightning bolt after him.

Pietro bursts into the power station, waking Forge, a rugged mechanic and Tabby, a sexy, disheveled girl who has been asleep in his lap. They grumbled as he races through the office, yelling wildly.

"Did I hear a young noise blast through here?" Forge asks.

"It was just Pietro on another rampage." Tabby says.

Pietro blurs into a small room behind the office where Bobby and Roberto, two tough boys about the same age as Pietro, are playing a computer pool-like game with Ray, a burly, handsome boy a few years older than the rest. His flashy city attire is a sharp contrast to the loose-fitting tunics of the farm boys. A robot repairs some equipment in the background.

"Shape it up you guys... Ray?" Pietro starts to say.

Pietro's surprise at the appearance of Ray gives way to great joy and emotion. They give each other a great bear hug.

"I didn't know you were back! When did you get in?" Pietro questions

"Just now. I wanted to surprise you, hot shot. I thought you'd be here...certainly didn't expect you to be out working." Ray laughs.

"The Academy didn't change you much...but you're back so soon? Hey, what happened, didn't you get your commission?" Pietro asks.

Ray has an air of cool that seems slightly phony.

"Of course I got it. Signed aboard The Rand Ecliptic last week. First mate Ray Darklighter at your service...(he salutes)...I just came to say good-bye to all you unfortunate landlocked simpletons." Ray comments.

Everyone laughs. The dazzling spectacle of his dashing friend is almost too much for Pietro, but suddenly he snaps out of it.

"I almost forgot. There's a battle going on! Right here in our system. Come and look!" Pietro exclaims

"Not again! Forget it." Bobby mutters

The group stumbles out into the stifling desert sun. Tabby and Forge complain and are forced to shade their eyes. Pietro has his binoculars out scanning the heavens.

"There they are!" Pietro shouts.

Ray takes the binoculars from Pietro as the others strain to see something with the naked eye. Through the binoculars Ray sees two small silver specks.

"That's no battle, hot shot...they're just sitting there! Probably a freighter-tanker refueling." Ray tells him.

"But there was a lot of firing earlier..." mutters Pietro.

Tabby grabs the binoculars away banging them against the building in the process. Pietro grabs them.

"Hey, easy with those..." Pietro exclaims.

"Don't worry about it, Pietro." Tabby says out of the corner of her mouth.

Forge gives Pietro a hard look and the young farm boy shrugs his shoulders in resignation.

"I keep telling you, the Rebellion is a long way from here. I doubt if the Empire would even fight to keep this system. Believe me Pietro, this planet is a big hunk of nothing..." Forge explains.

Pietro agrees, although it's obvious he isn't sure why. The group stumbles back into the power station, grumbling about Pietro's ineptitude.

Back in space, a squad of armored storm troopers leads Princess Wanda down a low-ceilinged hallway. Her hands are bound and she is brutally shoved when she is unable to keep up with the briskly marching troops. They stop in a smoky hallway as Darth Rogue emerges from the shadows. The sinister Dark Lord stares hard at the frail young senator, but she doesn't move.

"Lord Rogue, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic..." Wanda begins only to be interrupted by Darth Rogue

"Don't play games with me, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted system. Rebel spies beamed several transmissions to this ship. Ah want to know what happened to the plans they sent you."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan..." Wanda protests.

"You're a part of the Rebel Alliance...and a traitor. Take her away!" Rogue commands. "This is really fun!"

Wanda is marched away down the hallway and into the smoldering hole blasted in the side of the ship. An Imperial Commander turns to Rogue.

"Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion in the senate." Paul states

"Ah have traced the Rebel spies to her. Now she is mah only link to find their secret base!" Darth Rogue replies.

"She'll die before she tells you anything." Paul says with a grimace.

"Leave that to me. Send a distress signal and then inform the Senate that all aboard were killed!" Darth Rogue commands.

Another Imperial Officer approaches Darth Rogue and the Commander. They stop and snap to attention.

"Lord Rogue, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard." Duncan reports.

Darth Rogue turns to Paul. "She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander. There'll be no one to stop us this time."

"Yes, sir." Paul salutes and marches away quietly muttering to himself "Stupid Duncan, just had to say it."

The Imperial Star destroyer looms menacingly over the surface of the planet Tatooine.

We fade to See-Logan and Professor-Detoo marching through the Dune Sea. The two helpless astro-droids kick up clouds of sand as they leave the life pod and clumsily work their way across the desert wasteland. The life pod in the distance rests half buried in the sand.

See-Logan "How did I get into this mess? I really don't know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life."

Professor-Detoo answers with beeping sounds.

"I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are almost frozen." See-Logan complains

Professor-Detoo continues to respond with beeping sounds.

See-Logan "What a desolate place this is. And yet, for some reason, this place seems so very familiar. Like I've been here before. What's that all aboot?"

Suddenly Professor-Detoo whistles, makes a sharp right turn and starts off in the direction of the rocky desert mesas. See-Logan stops and yells at him.

See-Logan "Where are you going?"

A stream of electronic noises pours forth from the small robot.

See-Logan "Well, I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is much easier."

Professor-Detoo counters with a long whistle.

See-Logan "What makes you think there are settlements over there?"

Professor-Detoo continues to make beeping sounds.

See-Logan "Don't get technical with me."

Professor-Detoo continues to make beeping sounds.

See-Logan "What mission? What are you talking aboot? I've had just aboot enough of you! You hear me? I've had just aboot enough! Go that way! You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile!"

See-Logan gives the little robot a kick and starts off in the direction of the vast dune sea.

"And don't let me catch you following me begging for help, because you won't get it." See-Logan smugly tells Professor-Detoo.

Professor-Detoo 's reply is a rather rude sound. He turns and trudges off in the direction of the towering mesas.

"Hey! I know what you just said, Baldy!" See-Logan shouts after him. "No more adventures. I'm not going that way."

Professor-Detoo beeps to himself as he makes his way toward the distant mountains. See-Logan, hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a dune; only to find more dunes, which seem to go on for endless miles. He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas.

See-Logan "That malfunctioning little twerp. This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better. I'd give my next masters right hand for a cigar right aboot now."

In a huff of anger and frustration, See-Logan knocks the sand from his joints. His plight seems hopeless, when a glint of reflected light in the distance reveals an object moving towards him.

See-Logan "Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved!"

The Canadian android waves frantically and yells at the approaching transport. "Over here! Help! Please, help! And bring _beer_!"


	4. Chapter 4

Act 3

Pietro and Ray are walking and drinking a "malt" brew. (The author does not approve nor promote underage drinking. Unless he's there too.) Forge and the others can be heard working inside.

Pietro is in the middle of telling Ray about one his recent misadventures "So I cut off my power, shut down the afterburners and came in low on Bobby's trail. I was so close I thought I was going to fry my instruments. As it was I busted up the Skyhopper pretty bad. Uncle Eric was pretty upset. He grounded me for the rest of the season. You should have been there...it was fantastic."

"You ought to take it easy Pietro. You may be the hottest bushpilot this side of Mos Eisley, but those little Skyhoppers are dangerous. Keep it up, and one day, whammo, you're going to be nothing more than a dark spot on the down side of a canyon wall." Raytells him

"Look who's talking.' Pietro retorts. "Now that you've been around those giant starships you're beginning to sound like my uncle. You've gotten soft in the city..."

"I've missed you kid." Ray states.

"Well, things haven't been the same since you left, Ray. It's been so...quiet." Pietro counters.

Ray looks around then leans close to Pietro.

"Pietro, I didn't come back just to say good-bye...I shouldn't tell you this, but you're the only one I can trust...and if I don't come back, I want somebody to know." Ray starts in a hushed voice.

Pietro's eyes are wide with Ray' seriousness and loyalty.

"What are you talking about?" Pietro asks.

"I made some friends at the Academy … when our frigate goes to one of the central systems, we're going to jump ship and join the Alliance..." Ray whispers.

Pietro, amazed and stunned, is rendered speechless.

"Join the Rebellion?! Are you kidding! How?" Pietro exclaims.

See? Told ya.

"Quiet down will ya! You got a mouth bigger than a exogorth!" Ray admonishes.

Sullenly Pietro replies in a low whisper "I'm sorry. I'm quiet. Listen how quiet I am. You can barely hear me..."

Ray shakes his head angrily and then continues.

"My friend has a friend on Bespin who might help us make contact." Ray begins.

"Your crazy! You could wander around forever trying to find them." Pietro retorts.

"I know it's a long shot, but if I don't find them I'll do what I can on my own...It's what we always talked about. Look Pietro, I'm not going to wait for the Empire to draft me into service. The Rebellion is spreading and I want to be on the right side -- the side I believe in." Ray tells him.

"And I'm stuck here..." Pietro mutters.

"I thought you were going to the Academy next term. You'll get your chance to get off this rock." Ray says with a tentative smile.

"Not likely! I had to cancel my application. There has been a lot of unrest among the Morlocks since you left...they've even raided the outskirts of Anchorhead." Pietro states.

"Your uncle could hold off a whole colony of Morlocks with one blaster." Ray responds.

"I know, but he's got enough vaporators going to make the place pay off. He needs me for just one more season. I can't leave him now." Pietro in a whiney voice.

"I feel for you, Pietro, you're going to have to learn what seems to be important or what really is important. What good is all your uncle's work if it's taken over by the Empire?...You know they're starting to nationalize commerce in the central systems...it won't be long before your uncle is merely a tenant, slaving for the greater glory of the Empire." Ray comments.

"It couldn't happen here. You said it yourself. The Empire won't bother with this rock." Pietro rationalizes.

"Things always change." Ray tells him, unknowingly speaking prophecy.

"I wish I was going...Are you going to be around long?" Pietro asks.

"No, I'm leaving in the morning..." Ray replies.

"Then I guess I won't see you."

"Maybe someday...I'll keep a lookout." Ray says, once again speaking in prophecy.

"Well, I'll be at the Academy next season...after that who knows. I won't be drafted into the Imperial Starfleet that's for sure...Take care of yourself, you'll always be the best friend I've got." Pietro promises him.

"So long, Pietro." Ray turns away from his old friend and heads towards the power station.

We leave this scene for one of a deserted rock valley. The gargantuan rock formations are shrouded in a strange foreboding mist and the ominous sounds of unearthly creatures fill the air. Professor-Detoo moves cautiously through the creepy rock canyon, inadvertently making a loud clicking noise as he goes. He hears a distant, hard, metallic sound and stops for a moment. Convinced he is alone, he continues on his way. In the distance, a pebble tumbles down the steep canyon wall and a small dark figure darts into the shadows. A little further up the canyon a slight flicker of light reveals a pair of eyes in the dark recesses only a few feet from the narrow path.

The unsuspecting mutant-robot waddles along the rugged trail until suddenly, out of nowhere; a powerful magnetic ray shoots out of the rocks and engulfs him in an eerie glow. He manages one short electronic squeak before he topples over onto his back. His bright computer lights flicker off, then on, then off again. Out of the rocks scurry three hooded Jamies, no taller than Professor-Detoo. They holster strange and complex weapons as they cautiously approach the robot. They wear grubby cloaks and their faces are shrouded so only their glowing eyes can be seen. They hiss and make odd guttural sounds as they heave the heavy robot onto their shoulders and carry him off down the trail. The eight Jamies carry Professor-Detoo out of the canyon to a huge tank-like vehicle the size of a four-story house. They weld a small disk on the side of Professor-Detoo and then put him under a large tube on the side of the vehicle and the little robot is sucked into the giant machine. The little Jamies scurry like squirrels up small ladders and enter the main cabin of the behemoth transport. It is dim inside the hold area of the Sandcrawler.

Professor-Detoo switches on a small floodlight on his forehead and stumbles around the scrap heap. The narrow beam swings across rusty metal rocket parts and an array of grotesquely twisted and maimed astro-robots. He lets out a pathetic electronic whimper and stumbles off toward what appears to be a door at the end of the chamber. Professor-Detoo enters a wide room with a four-foot ceiling. In the middle of the scrap heap sit a dozen or so robots of various shapes and sizes. Some are engaged in electronic conversation, while others simply mill about.

A voice of recognition calls out from the gloom. "Professor-Detoo! It is you! It is you!"

A battered See-Logan scrambles up to Professor-Detoo and embraces him. The enormous Sandcrawler lumbers off toward the magnificent twin suns, which are slowly setting over a distant mountain ridge.

Elsewhere: four Imperial stormtroopers mill about in front of the half-buried lifepod that brought Professor-Detoo and See-Logan to Tatooine. A trooper yells to an officer some distance away.

"Aw camel plop" Duncan mutters. "Someone _was_ in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction."

Paul picks a small bit of metal out of the sand and gives it to Duncan.

"Look, sir -- droids." Paul points out. "That must be why nothing showed up on the scanners."

Scowling, Duncan mockingly replies "_That's why nothing showed up on the scanners_. I hate you Paul."


End file.
